Healing and Growing

Hello, dear one. I may not really "know" you or you may actually be a close friend. Either way, I want you to know that every time I write to you, I am envisioning being with someone I love... Many years ago I would have never said or written that and if I did, I wouldn't have meant it. I would have done it for some self-serving response I'd hope to get. I know -- it's sad, but true. It's not easy for me to even admit it except that I am so far from being that person I really can't even identify anymore. It's something I "know", but have no resonance with -- thank goodness!! That's why I offered up this week's Seed:

"Commit to your healing and evolution so that you can help and support others."

I did not feel loving in general for much of my early life. I definitely had attachments -- a few friends and relatives with whom I loved hanging out and I liked a lot of my teachers in school. Beyond that, I think I was distant. When my grandfather, with whom I had spent nearly every weekend since I was a baby, died suddenly just before I turned nine, I started crying. My stoic grandmother told me not to cry. I was not "allowed" to attend his funeral and I think some kind of protective wall went up inside me. I also "decided", at some point, not to ever become vulnerable or act as if I "needed" anyone. It goes without saying that this didn't serve me well at all, but I stubbornly clung to my beliefs and behaviors. I thought I had to. When I look back, I realize the Universe was almost constantly offering me new ways to look at and be in the world and I mostly ignored them. My year in Brazil as a 16 year old was a big Yes and then I reverted to my old self for many more years. I remember reading a review of Shonda Rhimes' book Year of Yes, not long after it came out around 2016. It said: "The book chronicles her life after her Year of Yes had begun -- when Shonda forced herself out of the house and onto the stage; when she learned to explore, empower, applaud, and love her truest self. Yes." That's what was missing for a long time -- I didn't know I could explore, empower, applaud, and love my truest self and as long as I couldn't do it for myself, I could hardly help someone else.

What made me commit to my own healing and evolution? Crisis, deep heartbreak, and gut-wrenching loss -- the exact details aren't the point and frankly, still painful. It wasn't exactly overnight. I had been in therapy, off and on, for many years. I had explored philosophies and rituals. Somehow, through it all, I kept my mind pretty well closed and just went through the motions. All of what I researched eventually contributed to my expansion and transformation, but it took years for it to all come together. I remember a particular cartoon when I first immersed myself in mindfulness and meditation. It really made an impression on me. It was a woman clinging to a huge boulder (representing all her ideas and beliefs) as she plunged to the bottom of a deep body of water. As she was drowning, she was saying, "Can't ... let ... go". All I had to do was let go of the misguided, limiting beliefs I had of the world. On some level, by then, that much I knew. It was scary (terrifying, actually) and I felt exposed. Fortunately, what I was "taught" in the mindfulness training took place in a warm, supportive, safe environment. Over time, information and insight I had been offered many years before (and rejected) was remembered and finally understood. My journey continues. This process is not suddenly accomplished and done, but the benefits just get bigger and better with time. I actually like being open to the what's next and not knowing. I feel like I can connect with people -- not everyone, but I have a love for humanity that I didn't have for a long time. I feel like I have a better shot at giving someone else support and understanding. And one more thing ... I believe you know, deep inside, what you need to let go of. Do it! Step into love. Embrace it -- this is what I wish for you. If you feel like just talking, try me. I have learned to listen and it feels so much better than lecturing.