Leaning Into Surprise

Good morning, afternoon, evening ... wherever you are, whatever time it is, I'm so happy you're here, truly. It felt so good to be writing to you again after my "hiatus" and, BTW, here's a quirky little side bar. The word hiatus comes from the Latin verb hiare meaning to "open wide". Its English meaning is, "an interruption in time or continuity" and it also means, "the occurrence of two vowel sounds without pause". I'm not exactly sure about that second definition, lol. Either way, I'm fascinated by language -- a real word geek! What about you? Do you ever think about where words come from?

NOW, on to this week's tale. As many or some of you know, I have been driving out to the west coast and back every year since fall of 2014. I am a New Englander and it will always feel like home, however I have a phenomenal daughter who has made southern Oregon her place to be. When I realized I wanted to spend more than just a week or so "visiting", I rearranged my life (I will write more about that possibility for any of us in the next post) and made my first 3,000+ mile trip in September and returned in December. Over the next several years I often stuck with the autumn time frame. One year, while COVID was still a major player in our lives, I was asked to stay on at the hospital and work until the end of the year. I agreed and made my trek in January with a plan to return to Massachusetts in April. That year the saying, "We make plans and the gods and goddesses laugh" could not have been more true for me. In a nutshell, I ended up stranded or, per definition, unable to leave until October of that year. Technically, of course, I could have left, however since I drove out and my car was central to the "problem", I lost my means of transportation. What could have looked like a disaster turned out to be the most delightful ten months. I wrote about it in one of these blogs a few years ago -- if you go to my website www.BarbaraLCummings.com, you can probably find it in the archives. 

How does this relate to today? I was getting ready to make my autumnal trip. That meant looking up motels/hotels along the way. I rescued a cat last year in Oregon and she returned to Boston with me. I planned on taking her back to the west coast since she traveled quite well. Something about the drive didn't feel quite as enticing as usual, though.  I've loved seeing so much of the U.S. over the years as I've crossed the country on all the major interstate roads, north and south. For reasons I couldn't explain, my heart wasn't in it as much as in the past. Oh, yes, I was so looking forward to seeing and being with my daughter, but the drive just didn't call to me as it had before. Still, I continued on making plans. 

A few days before I was planning to leave COVID made another appearance and it hit me hard. I felt like crap for a week. When I finally tested negative after 7 days, I pushed forward with packing up my car, loading up my sweet Jinxie, and headed west. Our first stop was Mentor, OH, 623 miles from home. It ended up being a 10+ hour drive and I felt unsettled most of the way, although the weather was lovely, the drive itself was perfectly fine and the cat was calm. That night, in a very clean, quiet Super 8 motel I had trouble sleeping. My kitty was uncharacteristically restless and I felt more and more anxious as the hours went by. At 5AM I sat up in bed and said out loud, "I can't do this.". The thought of driving another 600 miles to Madison, WI filled me with dread, for no apparent reason. My head tried to "shame" me into continuing on. My thoughts did not have my overall, best interests at heart. Fortunately, my gut and that other seat of a woman's intuition grabbed my attention and I shut out the ego's clamoring. My soul said to turn around and drive back to my apartment. The minute I packed up the car and headed east I felt a bubble of joy rise in my chest and it continued all the way to our front door and beyond when pulled up at 4:20PM. 

Sometimes I think some of the people around me view me as a little crazy or unconventional at least. Who would ever even consider driving over 1,200 miles in two days only to spend the night in a budget motel and then, turn around and go home?!? I know -- even I could look at this as ludicrous, yet it's what worked for me. Could I have saved myself the drive and inexplicable apprehension? Yes and no. Until I could let my true feelings come to the surface and honor them, without judgement, I was going to swim around in unease. In fact, it probably played a part in my falling into dis-ease with my immune system compromised by stress. 

I titled this Leaning Into Surprise because as I was reframing this whole process I chose to embrace the element of amazement and revelation rather than the more negative fear, worry, or angst that I could have let overpower me. This was in no way the first time I have felt some misgiving or foreboding about a situation. Sometimes, and I have gotten better at this over time, I can tap in right away and turn my ship around, so to speak. Other times, I will still fall into self-criticism centered around feeling like I "should" (first red flag!) be doing something even if it doesn't feel right. This second guessing has everything to do with worrying about how others perceive me while letting go of my own self-awareness and self-acceptance. Have you every experienced this? I would be stunned if you said no. 

My recommendation for you and me is to continue to practice self-love or at least some self-like. With time it will grow into love, I promise. The first time I looked in the mirror, at the suggestion of dear Louise Hay, and said, "I love and approve of myself", it felt ridiculous. Over time it didn't seem so silly. What's even more amazing is that by loving and approving of who I was then allowed me to start getting better and become more approval and love worthy. As Maya Angelou said, "When we know better, we do better". Our "knowing" comes from the heart and soul. 

In case you are wondering about my west coast trip ... I'm flying out in a few days. I'm excited, looking forward to it, and It feels like just the right thing. 

Sending Sparkles and Love Your Way!