Availability

A snowy Hello, dear Reader! You've probably noticed that I've adopted the warm greeting from the Bridgerton romance drama series on Netflix produced by Shonda Rhimes. I love hearing the narrator say, "Dear Reader ..." and I imagine talking with you in a British accent, but only in the salutation, lol. Just a little insight into the machinations of my sometimes quirky brain!

So, back to the snow ... we were hit again here in the Boston, Massachusetts area. Monday morning I woke up to a near white-out that lasted for most of the day. The difference between this blizzard and the one from the month before is that all this snow seems to be melting a little faster. Surely spring will really arrive in about four weeks as "scheduled"?!? Fingers crossed. 

All this inclement weather has created even more time than usual for self-reflection. Winter is considered a time for slowing down, staying indoors more, a dark time beneficial for planting seeds whether literally or figuratively. Some people dread this season while others embrace it for its valuable opportunity to reevaluate and consider change if necessary. 

I've noticed how much more introspective I've become not only this snowy winter, but also during this phase of my life related to age. Spring is often related to birth or re-birth and beginnings while at the other end, Winter can be associated with deep sleep, endings, or death. My passing years have nurtured a natural reflection on my life and recently I've had the chance to dive into a review of some of who and where I've been within my life and its meaning. 

A spurt of awareness landed on me this week during a Zoom session with a spiritual advisor/friend while doing some "work" around the Chinese New Year, the year of the Fire Horse. Without "blaming" anyone, I realized I became very defensive as a young child and held onto that well into my adulthood. I've been unravelling it for many years and it astounds me that I am still evolving and releasing that which does not serve me. I'm also incredibly grateful to be open to this continuing unfolding and I'm reminded of something I heard (it might even be the title of a book?) that really stuck with me -- Gratitude is glitter for the soul. Of course, this caught my attention like anything that sparkles and shines. 

But back to my "wall of defenses" that I held up for a very long time. It really got in my way and did not support me at all. While I was trying so hard not to be "wrong", to always be "right", striving to be a little "better" than others (there's some shame there), pretending I didn't really care about a lot of things, and generally refusing to allow vulnerability into my existence at all cost, I was cutting myself off from all that I truly desired (but wouldn't dare admit). I have many years in my past that I would "do-over" differently if I had the chance. As I was discussing this defensiveness and talking about how much I was letting go of it, I was questioning what was taking its place. Nature abhors a vacuum and I could not quite name what was filling the gap. This is when the magic of connection stepped in and through the voice of my dear friend and teacher it was revealed that, more and more, over the years, I have become AVAILABLE. One definition of this word is, "a person not otherwise occupied". Holy smokes, how many times was I "occupied" instead of being present: to my children, my husband, my friends, my family of origin, my life, myself!? How much did I hold back and miss out?

I can't go back and change the past. I can ask for forgiveness, I can say I'm sorry, I can own my transgressions. More than that, I can put down my defenses and be accessible to those I love and cherish with my whole heart. It's taken me a long time to get here. I can't be consumed by regret. I embrace the fact of "better late than never". So tell me, are you holding back or are you available? I highly recommend leaning into it. 

Sending Sparkles and Love Your Way!