Ego Boot

Maybe it was because I grew up in the 1960's.

Maybe it was because the Beatles went to study with the Maharishi back then (1967) and I was in love with all of them.

Maybe my soul was trying to get my attention and I heard just the faintest whisper.

Maybe I knew there was a better way to navigate life.

Maybe, maybe, maybe ...

All I know for sure is I was fascinated with the idea of meditation and I began my journey of inquiry about 45 years ago and I'm still on the long and winding road.

I've had many teachers and I'll probably have more, however they all simply assist me in noticing yet another facet on this diamond. They also help me keep the information going as it flows from them, through me, and back out to whomever "needs" it next.

I've talked recently of feeling a renewed calling to share all the gifts I've been offered around mindfulness, meditation, and stress management. After creating a practice of my own and studying for quite some time, I taught and facilitated Programs in both clinical and corporate settings. I enjoyed the work and then, it fell into the background. Now, I can see that I was ready for more of my own internal exploration and growth. Well, maybe "ready" isn't quite the right word. At least, as I look back on it, I'm not sure I would have volunteered for some of the personal expansion I've ended up experiencing, however, now I'm very grateful to have made the trip.

I've also been mentioning my new awareness and relationship with ego and soul. I've had teachers try to get me to understand both of them for a very long time and I "thought" I had it figured out, "intellectually" anyway. Ha! If I've learned nothing else over time it's when I'm stuck in my head I'm unable to move forward or find real solutions. I thought I "got" it and I really have been evolving up to a point, but the last couple of years have brought me to a new level of understanding. That's not even the most accurate way to describe it since it still implies having "thought it out" or becoming more cognizant through some sort of superior cerebral accomplishment. No, this has been an awareness of and an appreciation for how different it feels when either my ego or my soul has my attention.

I know the gut-wrenching feeling of swirling into the black pit of anxiety. It's awful and scary and totally undesirable. After years of finding ways to avoid being anxious, I've finally come face-to-face with the fact that it's my ego that plunges me into a panic attack. In fact, my ego, which in Latin means "I", has me turning against myself as it imagines the worst of fears. I always loved the Emily Dickinson poem, even when I didn't understand it as clearly as I do now.

Me from Myself --

to banish --

Had I Art --

Impregnable my Fortress --

Unto All Heart.

But Since Myself -- assault Me --

How have I peace

Except by subjugating

Consciousness?

And since We're mutual Monarch

How this be

Except by Abdication --

Me -- of Me?

Meditation is not about getting to a particular place or feeling blissed out or even getting the mind to shut up. It's about learning to reframe everything we think we "know". Yes, there is a kind of "quieting down" of the mind, of the ego, as we let go of who we think we are supposed to be and allow the inner, Divine soul speak to us. It's treasuring the reassuring wisdom that comes from something I don't fully understand and surrendering to it. It's letting go of all the "stories" we attach to our crazy thoughts and realizing that they are mostly repetitive and often useless. I feel more and more grounded in this truth and this is what I wish for you.