Vitality = For or To?

10 minutes ago

4 min read

Chilly (as in weather, not my warmth I'm sending to you) greetings, dear Reader, from southern Oregon. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to spend time out here with my daughter every year. It's such a different lifestyle from the one I have back in New England. While I'm not interested in giving up my East Coast life all together, I really appreciate settling into this rural existence the Pacific Northwest offers me for several weeks. I also wish it wasn't so far, one coast from the other, but it does offer me the opportunity to have so many different experiences. Which leads me to this week's essay...

There is a saying that a saint rarely heals anyone in their own village. I definitely do not make any claims to sainthood, however, I fully understand how much more scrutiny and doubt I am met with by family members, especially when they feel I am attempting to teach or preach. I have had my fair share of struggles, and I have made mistakes and bad decisions. I was angry, defiant, and quite miserable as a young woman. Oh, yes, there were wonderful moments, even weeks, months, and a whole year (1968) when I encountered great joy, but I didn't know how to sustain it. Recently, as in today, I was asked how I "pull off all the energy" I seem to have. I have had this mentioned frequently, especially with regard to my "significant" birthday this year. Apparently, turning 75 means I'm supposed to "slow down" or something like that. Hmmmmm, it never occurred to me.

Back to when I was often unhappy, I still had a lot of energy. It was fueled by my rage at the world. I'm not sure I was even aware of all that resentment. I did believe that life was relentlessly happening TO me and it was out to get me! Nothing was my fault, and if only everyone else would get their act together, life would be so much better. This kind of "fuel" looks frantic and is exhausting. I even had friends who would tell me they were tired just hearing about my revved up life. Through some sort of divine intervention, my mind and my heart opened up to new possibilities, and as I became more "ready", my teachers appeared. I learned that guides and lessons are always around us, simply waiting for us to have the desire to learn and be able to adopt new ways of being. I finally heard and accepted that life could be happening FOR me, and everything changed.

As one philosopher said, "Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. You don't have to always like it ... it's just easier if you do." I love what Jim Carrey said at a commencement address he gave: "When I say life doesn't happen to you, it happens for you, I really don't know if that's true. I'm just making a conscious choice to perceive challenges as something beneficial so that I can deal with them in the most productive way." Tyler Perry was once quoted as saying, "Trials we go through and the blessings we receive are the same thing." Hurdles or challenges can be reframed as opportunities for lessons or seeing something differently. Dr. Wayne Dyer popularized the saying, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

I resisted seeing the world through a different lens -- most of us do. It feels like we've been "wrong" at first, and who wants that?!? I now prefer to see that I was misguided. When I let down my guard and allowed humility to enter, I softened and had a new awareness that led to my desire to try something different. The psychological term for reinterpreting situations is "cognitive reappraisal" -- changing the way we look at things!

Start noticing your reactions and see if you can reframe them into responses. Jon Kabat-Zinn, one of my early teachers, said, "You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." We waste energy fighting what's coming or already here when we need to practice adapting to it. Life will bring stress and change, usually when we least expect it. Practicing being in the present moment, finding calmness through our breath, and feeling centered helps to let feelings and obstacles pass. There's also something to be said for expressing anger and sadness. I am currently in a book club with Mama Gena (Regena Tomashauer), and we are exploring her recently published book, On Our Knees. We are exploring our irritation, indignation, even fury and wrath by first articulating and venting with music in the background. Then, we are switching up to more soothing melodies and holding ourselves with kindness and tenderness. We are dropping the "blame" toward others and ourselves.

Living my life as if it is happening FOR me lets me ride with life's ebbs and flows. When I press up against life, it drains me. When I find ways to hold hands with it, I am invigorated. I understand not wanting to hear that I've been mistaken because it feels like I've been stupid or ignorant. For a long time, I simply didn't know what I didn't know. I felt powerless and stuck in anxiety. It's not about, "Why is this happening to me?". It's about, "How can I use this for personal growth?" We cannot control external events, but we do have sovereignty over internal responses.