Better With Age

Greetings, dear Reader. As this post goes out I will be embarking on another trip. There was a time when I traveled out of the country at least twice a year. I loved my trips and I must admit, I took my travels for granted. Of course I would return to Paris or spend a month in Portugal or have a decadent retreat in Tuscany -- that's what I "did". When my foreign travels stopped abruptly, there was a good reason -- COVID. As a nurse, I was deeply involved in the pandemic and my new reality seemed justified. Suddenly, five years had gone by. I travelled a lot between the east and west coasts, but my passport was sitting in a safe spot, getting dusty. I went to St Maarten last year and began to feel the urge for more. This week I am embarking on my third international journey in six months and I'm looking forward to seeing new places, meeting new people, and challenging my own view of the world. I highly recommend it!

I often get ideas for topics to write about when I'm outside on a walk. Sometimes an idea might come from a podcast I'm listening to or if I'm not plugged in, all kinds of random thoughts find their way into my consciousness, especially if I deliberately ask the question, "What would be a good thing to present to you?". My writing often comes from questions people ask me regarding how I look at life, especially how I maintain a positive attitude. On a recent neighborhood meander I reflected back on how that wasn't always true. 

It took me years and lots of pain to realize how much anger I began storing at an early age. Much of it had been passed down through generations of women feeling oppressed by a patriarchal system without even knowing it. When I started studying with Regena Thomashauer, aka Mama Gena, at the School of Womanly Arts (SWA), I was already in my 40's, nearly 50. When she said: 

"We women are currently all living in a cloud of repressed emotion ...

I also know from personal experience how anger can be pushed down for years, and the toll such suppression can take. I was angry at the spiritual, physical, and educational consequences of being a girl. I felt alienated, lonely, ungrateful, exiled, and disgusted. 

These are times of great change and of conflicting and seldom-met expectations. Women have more opportunity and freedom than ever before, but we're still raised to subordinate our desires to those of others around us."

I identified with it all. 

I grew up with women burning their bras in protest and singing the praises of women's lib. I sang the song from the Broadway musical "Annie Get Your Gun", Anything you can do I can do better. I "learned" to feel like I needed men in my life while at the same time, resenting them. I thought it was ok to blame men primarily (although I was pretty much an equal opportunity blamer) for not being happy. Another lesson I learned in the halls of SWA was how much a patriarchal system doesn't serve women or men. It simply creates adversarial relationships that bring the worst out in each other and these "roles" can be played out whether you're straight, gay, bi, or trans. 

Coming into my own, accepting my feelings, taking responsibility for my actions and behaviours was awkward, to say the least. Once again, from Mama Gena:

"...it's so easy to listen to the little voice of doubt that whispers, 'You are not beautiful enough. You are not smart enough. You are just not good enough.' ...getting from that comfortable spot on the floor to that stage of unlimited potential is a challenge. Many women are so terribly scared to experience their full emotional, spiritual, and sexual range because they are intimidated by their own innate power."

I knew I had to change and this is the journey I have been on for more than a quarter of a century. For the first 40 years of my life I took hostages whenever possible, burned bridges, raged at the world, closed myself off from love and connection, and covered up my anxiety and fears. I often seemed nice on the surface and I like to think those were glimmers of potential, while on the inside I was filled with anxiety and fear. I didn't know there was any other way to exist and that was a huge barrier that almost kept me captive. Once I started opening up to new possibilities, things started to shift, although I clung to the familiar from time to time. Even when it doesn't serve us anymore, we can revert to what we "know", mistaking it for comfort.

Now, after 3/4 of a century of living, I can barely recognize who I was then. Lately I find myself frequently referring to not having the "bandwidth" for certain things. I love the Google definition of this phrase:

"Saying 'I don't have the bandwith' is a polite, professional way to say you do not have the time, energy, or mental capacity to take on a new task, problem, or request. If you exceed your bandwith, you risk overloading, stressing out, or burning out."

This can mean many things. I learned not to watch the news on a regular basis years ago. I recently discovered that I can't handle certain tv shows that are a reflection of what is "wrong" in society. I look for things that are uplifting and hopeful. I travel because I want to listen to how other people think and have experiences different from those in my local environment. I do my best to put out into the world what I want to see come back to me. I don't give my attention to big situations that I can't personally change, but if I can offer something positive to my immediate environment, I will. Sometimes older people are stereotyped to be grouchy and grumpy. I could have been that unhappy senior except I chose to accept the offer to change and now, I'm better with age. 

Sending Sparkles and Love Your Way!